Plugging The Guilt: A Guide For Unstoppable Working Mothers

Motherhood comes with responsibilities

Mothers constantly try to give their best at home or at work. However, having spent several years as a career oriented person, boundaries for moms are always blurred. Long days at work, childcare emergencies, and having to stretch themselves to be more productive are some of the many phases mothers go through while navigating through both these worlds. All mothers go through similar journeys while managing multiple roles and responsibilities. In this journey, most mothers end up questioning themselves and might go on a guilt trip for a while. A recent survey highlighted that the top two challenges for working mothers are time management and juggling childcare.

Here’s what the expert says​

Meghna Yadav, Child Psychologist, Head of Training, KLAY says, “It can be very easy to lose sight of your goals as a mother and as a professional when negative feelings plague your mind. While supporting families as a child psychologist, I have concluded that it is important for mothers to continue pursuing passion through work, embrace shortcomings, constantly refocus energy and work around the guilt in order to achieve a rewarding life.”

“Easier said than done- actually not necessarily. I can share what thousands of mothers have added in their day to day functioning and feel benefitted of these small but significant changes. But before that, a word of caution- Each child is unique and so, each mother is unique. I can only share what has worked with many mothers and you can decide if this will fit into your thread of life or not,” she adds.

​​Work-life balance is like water flowing through a forest​

Life is an integration of many things. For a working mother, it is career, children and family. Yet, struggles between these 3 aspects of life are inevitable. Often, one side dominates over the other, making you feel like you’re not being a good mother or a committed professional. But the truth of this conundrum is that there is no either/or. Putting two different sides of life against one another is tantamount to comparing the hare with the tortoise – essentially, it is not an apple to apple comparison. Please note that there is nothing like an “eternal state of balance” between work and life. There are days when work takes priority and there are days when your child needs you much more than any other commitment of life. Accept it as quickly as possible.

Motherhood comes with its own set of tradeoffs, whether it’s requesting leave from work because your child is unwell or forgetting your child’s lunch because you’re running late to a meeting. So, when you think about striking a balance between work and childcare, the best strategy would be to go with the flow. Every day is different from the other and maintaining the same balance is close to impossible. To begin with, creating a list of small successes that you have had at work and home, will show you how well you’ve fared at maintaining your role as a mother and a colleague.

​​Learning to forgive yourself is difficult but necessary​

Guilt sometimes takes the form of disliking certain choices you have made. Constantly thinking and feeling that you’re not good enough can turn into an emotionally painful experience, which finally leads to cementing the thought of being an inefficient mother or non-committal colleague.

Letting go of this guilt is not easy but the good news is that being aware of guilt is the battle half won! If you know you are going through a guilt trip, you just have to channelize your thoughts in the right direction. Every time, such thoughts come to you, look on the bright side. Remember why you made a certain decision and what led you to do so and then move ahead.

According to Yadav, “Nobody can make perfect decisions, so thanking yourself and practicing gratitude for the decisions you took and will take, will help you identify new ways to unlock positive energy to manage work and childcare.”

​​Redefining what constitutes being a good parent​​

John Bowlby, a well-known researcher who extensively studied attachment between parents and children, discovered that being emotionally present for a child helps build a healthy and secure attachment style between the parent and child.Unfortunately, the definition of being emotionally present is very subjective, open to interpretation, and therefore confusing. So, many women tend to set the bar for what makes for a ‘good parent’ astronomically high without taking into account that this is ambiguous as well. Moreover, such definitions tend not to take into account the nuances of each individual’s unique lived experiences.

This creates a pressurized environment to be the ideal parent or a ‘super mother’ who is always there for her child and is a great employee at the same time. Being in this environment for the long run will lead to an exhausting experience for mothers who are always swinging between work and childcare. Rather than following these ideals, being realistic to yourself and recalibrating these ideals will help create a positive mechanism to address parenting.

A survey among working mothers showed that 46% of working mothers have felt their relationship with their children has improved as compared to the pandemic period. This change is simply rooted in coming out of the “comparative” mode with other mothers. So Mommy Dear, trust your own instincts and stick to your own ways of comforting your child, being attuned to their feelings, showing delight when you see them, and supporting them. This will be enough to create a lifelong impact on your children.

​​Quality time spent is greater than quantity​

“It’s easy to feel like you miss out on important parts of your child’s life when you’re not around them most of the time. Further, the ability to switch off from work and other distractions, though easier said, can be difficult to achieve. Multi-tasking is often the norm for many mothers today and that usually means that you focus on many things, of which your children are one too. Many mothers have shifted from “doing all at one” to “one task at one time” and feel less stressed as well as more involved in the task on hand,” says Yadav

It’s common to see guilt as a negative emotion, and overlook the positive side of it. Guilt is also a by-product of other feelings such as compassion, care and concern. As long as your guilt is restricted to checking your own emotional health, it is good. Ask questions like, “Am I taking care of myself amidst all the roles that I play?” or, “Am I making the mistake of thinking that self-care is being selfish?” I would urge you to try and focus on these questions and invest in your own health to enjoy each and every role that you play. Not only will it help you channel your guilt positively, but it will also help you stay motivated at work and seek the joys of being a mother.